The Importance Of Self-Discipline
The Importance Of Self-Discipline
Sam Goldstein, Ph.D.
This is a SamGoldstein.com Monthly Article - June, 2004
Copyright ? 2004 Dr. Sam Goldstein - All Rights Reserved
Recently while dining at a popular restaurant, I was confronted by the powerful role children play in shaping the world around them. A few moments after I and a friend arrived, a young couple with an eleven-month-old male child entered and sat down two tables away. We soon learned that this was their first child. Within a few moments this child had managed to engage everyone around him. Waitresses were stopping to pat him on the head. If you looked in his direction he was sure to make eye contact and smile before looking away. His level of engagement, pleasant temperament and mood was infectious. For these first time parents, parenting, as they told us upon learning of our work, wasn't very difficult. In fact, they told us they were planning on having many more children.
About half way through our meal, another young couple came in and sat nearby with a young child of about the same age. Perhaps this child was having a difficult day or struggled with difficult temperament in general. Even before being seated, this young child was squirming and kicking as his mother attempted to hold him. As she turned he reached out with his foot and knocked over a glass of water on an adjacent table. This family's dining experience went downhill from that point. The child's irritable and unhappy nature quickly annoyed diners around him. This child didn't seem particularly interested in engaging others and appeared to have an agenda designed to disrupt and disturb his parents. Perhaps this would remain a one child family!
I suspect that if we spent time investigating the family histories, parenting strategies and personalities of these two young couples, we would find minimal differences between them that might predict the significant difference in self-control exhibited by their children at a very early age. While I have long advocated that biology is not destiny, it does significantly affect probability. The first child's strongly genetic endowment for good self-control had already begun fostering positive experiences for him. The second child's lack of self-control had already instigated a chain of ineffective parent and care taker efforts at managing a biological vulnerability. Even at this young age, differences in self-discipline held significant consequences.
The Power of Self-Discipline
The need to develop and effectively utilize self-discipline at an early age appears to relate directly to the demands, stress and complexities of the culture in which a child lives. Thus, it is not surprising that in our fast paced, seemingly chaotic world, children capable of developing effective self-discipline at young ages appear to negotiate the maze of family, school, friends and community more effectively than those that struggle with this ability. Effective self-discipline implies that a child has internalized a set of rules so that even without the presence of a parent or other caretaker, the child will act in a thoughtful, reflective manner. Self-discipline can be understood as a significant component of a sense of ownership and responsibility for one's behavior. At the extreme, our medical and mental health communities have defined a variety of clinical conditions such as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Oppositional Defiance, Depression and Anxiety to describe children who struggle to exert self-discipline in their behavior and emotional regulation. I am not suggesting that children who struggle with self-discipline are second class citizens, but rather wish to point out the important role self-discipline plays in determining successful adaptation to the demands of every day life. A large body of research has demonstrated that children capable of resisting temptation, a simple example of self-discipline at all ages, fare significantly better than their more impulsive peers as they transition into their adolescent years. One research team demonstrated that a pre-school child's ability to resist a tempting snack when told to do so was a significant predictor of a host of positive adolescent outcomes, including school success, mental health and avoiding the juvenile justice system.
Though each child comes to the world with a certain propensity or capability to develop self-disciplinary skills, serving as a disciplinarian is one of the most important roles of parents. The way in which parents engage this role can either diminish a child's self-esteem, dignity, hope and resilience or strengthen these qualities. This is particularly important for children struggling to develop self-discipline. The word discipline derives from the word disciple and is best understood as a teaching process. As a form of education and as a correlative to the concept of disciple, children should not associate discipline with intimidation, humiliation or embarrassment.
The Role of Parents
If discipline is placed in the context of an educational process, what is it that parents are attempting to teach? Discipline has two key functions. The first is to make certain children have a consistent, safe and secure environment in which they can learn reasonable rules, limits and consequences as well as develop an understanding of why these are important. The second function, equally important but not as readily understood, is to nurture self-discipline or self-control. Effective discipline pre-supposes empathy, the use of good communication skills, the ability to modify negative parenting practices and an appreciation of each child's unique temperament. This process should strengthen a responsible and compassionate attitude in our children as well and advance their decision making and problem solving skills. Discipline should teach children to reflect on their actions and foresee the likely consequences of their behavior. It is difficult for children to develop a resilient mindset without these skills.
Unfortunately, a number of obstacles interfere with parents' ability to help children develop effective self-discipline. These include crisis oriented, punitive, harsh, belittling, arbitrary or inconsistent discipline. Helping children develop self-discipline is also difficult when parent's varied disciplinary styles create additional family conflict. Discipline is also difficult when parents are afraid of being held hostage by children who exhort that they don't love them when consequences are enacted. Finally, children will struggle to develop self-discipline if parents expect them to do more than they are capable of and if parents are unwilling to change ineffective strategies.
Helping your children develop the self-discipline necessary to effectively negotiate daily life and transition successfully into adulthood requires you to focus on the major goal of discipline - to promote self-discipline and self-control. You can enhance this process by practicing prevention, working as a parental team, acting consistently, responding in a calm, rational way when problems arise and selecting your battles carefully. You must also understand your child's capabilities and not punish him/her based on unrealistic expectations. You must provide positive feedback and encouragement. These are the most powerful forms of discipline.
Raising a self-disciplined, resilient child in today's chaotic world may not be easy but is essential. How well we handle the role of disciplinarian will determine the extent to which our children develop self-discipline and a resilient mindset. Discipline is a teaching process. We hope our children learn self-discipline and self-control rather than let anger or resentment shape their emerging personalities. To help our children we must recognize the temperamental basis of self-control and thereby not hold unreasonable expectations. We must help them understand the importance of limits, rules and consequences. We must help them understand that they can learn to make appropriate choices and decisions and that with our support they can learn and develop effective self-discipline.
