Brothers And Sisters: Friends or Rivals?
Brothers And Sisters: Friends or Rivals?
Sam Goldstein, Ph.D.
This is a SamGoldstein.com Monthly Article - May, 2000
Copyright ? 2000 Dr. Sam Goldstein - All Rights Reserved
Do you ever wonder if other kids with ADHD have as much trouble getting along with their brothers and sisters as you do? Many kids believe that disagreements, arguments and even fist fights between brothers and sisters are normal. Sometimes this problem is referred to as sibling rivalry. No one knows who made up this term. Sibling rivalry is not a good thing. It is used to describe negative experiences. It is true that when a sibling has ADHD there are often more conflicts with brothers and sisters. But no one knows for sure whether the type of rivalry experienced in families with ADHD is any different from any other family. Researchers suspect that if the eldest child in the family has ADHD, there may be the most conflict.
It is important for you to understand that some teasing, arguing and competition is normal for brothers and sisters. In most families, however, even those with ADHD, brothers and sisters like each other and build a loyal, lifetime relationship.
It is also normal for brothers and sisters to become more competitive as they get older. Brothers and sisters close in age are also likely to be more competitive. Unfortunately, it is also true that if you have ADHD you may be at greater risk than your brothers and sisters to feel this competition, especially if there isn't something you feel really good about in your life.
Sometimes brothers and sisters experience a period of jealousy when a new baby enters the family. Sometimes even parents favor a brother or sister and this can make you jealous. Your brothers and sisters may be jealous because your parents are willing to offer you extra tries, more incentives or more support because of your ADHD.
If you and your brothers and sisters are having difficulty getting along, first it is important for your parents to set the mood for your family. Kids don't always do what their parents say, but they usually do what their parents do. When your parents demonstrate compromise, patience and effective problem solving skills there is a greater likelihood that you and your brothers and sisters will also demonstrate these skills. It is important for your parents to not tolerate destructive teasing where the goal is to destroy someone's self-esteem. It is also important for them to not tolerate outright fighting. Fighting, teasing and bickering between you and your brothers and sisters can eventually take over your family. Then any small event, even a wrong look, can trigger a fight.
Here are six things to do if you think there is too much sibling rivalry in your family:
- If you have ADHD, it is important for you to accept that you may not always stop and think before you act. In part the solution to this problem lies with you. It is important for you to learn to stop and think and to be responsible for your behavior. When problems occur because you did not stop and think, it is important for you to accept responsibility and do something constructive about the problem.
- If you feel your parents are playing favorites, let them know your feelings with words not misbehavior.
- If you feel your parents are not spending enough time with you, let them know.
- Try and have your own time and experiences away from your brothers and sisters.
- Do your best to avoid bickering, squabbles or disagreements over small issues.
- When you and your brother and sister have a disagreement, accept responsibility that the solution for the problem lies with both of you.
It is important for you to understand that the relationships you have with your brothers and sisters are important. These are members of your family, people with whom you will have a relationship throughout your life. These relationships are also important because they set the tone for the types of future relationships you will have when you have a family of your own.
