The Roots of Responsibility

The Roots of Responsibility

Sam Goldstein, Ph.D.
October, 2006
Copyright © 2006

I have noticed an alarming trend in the news in the last few months. Well, maybe it's more than the last few months but it certainly has become increasingly noticeable. President Harry Truman, of the buck stops here fame, would roll over in his grave if he could. Presidents, Congresspersons, milkmen and athletes are equally guilty. No one takes responsibility anymore for his or her actions and behavior. I am surprised that Congressman Foley is also not blaming his mother's errant toilet training for his vile behavior. In light of the media they are confronted with daily, it is not surprising that in my practice the most frequent comment from youth with whom I work is "it's not my fault." Where have we gone wrong? How can we expect children to act responsibly when they are confronted day in and day out by adults who do not? This month I thought it is time to re-visit helping our children develop responsible behavior.

The roots of responsibility run deep in our genes. Responsibility begins with the strong motivation young children have to be helpful. Young children take great pleasure in helping us and beam bright smiles when their contributions are complimented and appreciated. Children come into this world with a need to be helpful and valued. Three year olds will eagerly approach their parents while watching them mow the lawn and ask to help. They want to help us cook, take care of younger siblings, rake leaves, build with our tools, sweep the kitchen and set the table. In observing children through this perspective we must marvel at their drive to be helpful and responsible. Certainly some of this behavior is rooted in the excitement that most children experience when they undertake new activities and challenges. But this explanation alone does not provide full insight into this pattern of behavior. As my co-author and colleague, Dr. Robert Brooks, and I have written, children possess an inborn need or drive to help and to make a positive difference in the lives of others. While many children can be self-centered at times, placing their own needs first, this trait is often accompanied simultaneously by a pattern in which they achieve pleasure in reaching out and helping. Yet many parents report that their children lose this drive by the middle childhood years. They resist many opportunities to be of assistance unless there is something in it for them.

Our failure to reinforce and appreciate this early pattern likely fails to set the ship on a course for developing personal responsibility. In order for helpful behavior to emerge and be maintained and for children to become responsible adults, parents must nurture this quality. This inborn trait drives not just responsibility but compassion and a social conscience as well. As children develop this foundation, a key component of a resilient mindset, commitment to be accountable for one's life emerges. Responsible children and adults are more likely to acknowledge credit for their success and to perceive mistakes as experiences from which to learn rather than blame others. Neither guilt nor shame precludes them from accepting responsibility for their behavior in an honest, open manner.

In our book, Raising Resilient Children, Dr. Brooks and I offered five principles to help shape parents' mindsets and guide parent behavior, not necessarily to create certain skills but to foster and strength qualities of responsibility that we believe are inherent in all children. It is worth re-visiting these five principles.

Principle One: Serve as a Model of Responsibility. Keeping in mind that children are observant, not only of what we say but more important of what we do, how would your children describe you relative to responsibility? What kinds of behaviors and attitudes do you model in the face of challenges and mistakes? What comments have you made to your children about this epidemic of irresponsibility by politicians, athletics and actors? Remember too that responsibility is not narrowly measured when children make their beds and clean their rooms, but can be demonstrated in all walks of life.

Principle Two: Provide Opportunities for Children to Feel They Are Helping Others. Children's inborn need to help is an obvious fit with reinforcing a sense of responsibility and compassion. Engaging in the task of helping others strengthens children's self-esteem and feeling of ownership and instills the message that what they do contributes to the well-being of other people - all key components of a resilient mindset. What responsibilities do you assign to your children? Not just "chores" but activities that help them realize and communicate to them from an early age that they are valuable with something to offer others. This message reinforces responsibility. The belief that our actions have an impact on others is a powerful incentive to meet one's responsibilities. Never underestimate the power or feeling that you are making a positive difference and that your behavior, whether good or bad, right or wrong, impacts others.

Principle Three: Develop Traditions to Become a Charitable Family. Charitable families develop a tradition of involving the entire family in helping others. In doing so, parents reinforce in their children the belief that they are important, that they have the capability of helping others, that they are appreciated and that they make a difference. As children develop this belief, they acquire a sense of responsibility and caring.

Principle Four: We Can't Get Away From Chores and Other Activities, So Distribute Them Fairly. Whatever the strategy, a guidepost for parents is to involve their children and help them develop an understanding why it is important for everyone in the family to help and how the work can be distributed equitably. While parents can reserve the final say, children will appreciate their role in family life if they believe that their views are being heard. When this occurs, they are more likely to develop a sense of responsibility and ownership.

Principle Five: Take a Helicopter View of Your Child's Life. As my colleague Dr. Brooks points out, a helicopter view does not mean you hover over the child but rather you observe your child's life from a broader perspective. When you consider the ways in which your children may be acting responsibly, you must also consider ways in which they act responsibly and help others.

The act of learning to accept responsibility implies that children have developed many of the characteristics associated with a resilient mindset, including empathy, a sense of ownership for their lives, an appreciation of how their behavior impacts others and a feeling of genuine success. Based on the belief that children have an inborn need to help and that they receive much satisfaction when they do, one of the best ways to encourage responsibility is to provide children with opportunities to engage in contributory activities in which they assist others. Not only will this nurture responsibility but it will also promote compassion and a social conscience. You can play a pivotal role in shaping and developing the human instinct of helpfulness which otherwise for many children can become lost in the demands of every day life.

I fear that failure to reverse the increasing trend of "pass the buck on to someone or something else" holds adverse consequences for us all. I suggest we designate October as Renew Responsibility Month. Discuss events in the news with your children. Talk to them and elicit their ideas about responsible behavior. Most importantly, make a commitment to live your life responsibly. Together our commitment can be the catalyst that turns our chaotic and seemingly crazy world back on course.