We Are Losing Our Connections
We Are Losing Our Connections
Sam Goldstein, Ph.D.
September, 2006
Copyright © 2006
In 1985 the average American had three people in whom to confide matters that were important. Today, according to a recent study published in the American Sociological Review, American's have a third fewer close friends and confidants than just two decades ago. This appears to be a signal that people are living lonelier, unconnected and isolated lives than in the past. In fact, in this study, one in four people reported no close confidants at all. One of the co-authors, Lynn Smith-Lovin, a Professor of Sociology at Duke University in Durham, North Carolina, is surprised that there is such a significant change in social relations in the past few decades. Hypotheses abound beginning with the increasing time many of us spend on line - communicating in isolation.
In our work, Dr. Bob Brooks and I have repeatedly emphasized the importance of connections. We have often referred to the people we confide in, whether it be with children or adults, as charismatic individuals, a term first used by the late Dr. Julius Segal, referring to adults from whom a child gathers strength. In our book, Raising Resilient Children, I summarized one of my cases about a young teen referred due to problems with depression, anxiety and learning disability. As he and spoke, it became clear that his worried, hopeless feelings were deep seeded. He had performed poorly in school since kindergarten. Though he received help in and out of the classroom, he continued to struggle and lag far behind his classmates. He was not so much depressed I recalled thinking as demoralized. He had few friends and in his eyes there was precious little he could do well.
One of the things I frequently talk with children about is their view of the future. This helps me appreciate how they see the present and perhaps what course they believe may lead to their perceived futre. I ask the typical question. If you could be anyone for a day who would you choose to be? I typically preface this question by suggesting the child choose an adult, thereby giving me some view into the future. The goal is the generate some idea of the child's hope and optimism by soliciting his view as to whether and how he might achieve equal status in the future.
Without hesitation this young teen responded "my dad."
I was surprised by this response and inquired why he chose his father. Without hesitation he looked back and answered "you just have to know my dad. He really loves me."
This powerful connection, the role his father played as a charismatic adult in this young man's heart and mind helped him gather strength to face many more challenges than most youth.
The American Sociological Review study also found that isolation and loneliness was associated with mental and physical illness. Fewer contacts with community resources were also reported. In this study people rely increasingly on family, as the percentage of confidants being family members rose from 57% to 80%. The number relying on a spouse was up from 5% to 9%. At least these people report having someone to rely on. Further, sociologist Barry Wellman of the University of Toronto suggests, that while people may not have a lot of strong ties even casual acquaintances are important. Though Dr. Brooks and I would not disagree with Dr. Wellman's view that even casual social contact is important, this is not the equivalent of a strong confidant, a charismatic person with whom you identify and from whom you gather strength. In fact, Dr. Segal's ideas are supported by several studies of adults with childhood histories of risk, including abuse, neglect and school failure. Those who manage to rise above adversity often point to at least one individual in their lives, typically an adult, who cared about and loved them. Further, this adult would advocate for them and was available, especially in times of need.
Those of us fortunate to have a number of charismatic individuals in our lives are truly blessed. In our experience, even having one can make the difference between sinking into despair, hopelessness and depression versus gathering strength from another to face challenges in times of need. Such support can't help but contribute to a resilient mindset.
