Do Parents Matter - Revisited
Do Parents Matter - Revisited
Sam Goldstein, Ph.D.
August, 2006
Copyright © 2006
A recent study published by the National Institute of Child and Adolescent Development (NICAD) concluded that "exclusive maternal care was not related to better or worse outcomes for children. Thus, there is no reason for mother's to feel as though they are harming their children if they decide to work." However, this finding also reported that "parenting matters much more than does child care so parents might make decisions that allow them to have quality time with their children." Finally, the study concluded "parenting showed moderate to large effect sizes, suggesting that children who experience more responsive and stimulating care from parents had higher scores on cognitive, language, social, emotional and peer outcomes at all ages.
A recent opinion piece authored by the mother of two young teenage children and published in the United Kingdom newspaper, the Daily Mail, and subsequently picked up by papers around the world offered the opinion that if parents simply provide a safe, protected environment and "tell their children they are loved", they will turn out just fine. In fact, this mother's opinion is that parenting requires a boring, repetitive, effortful, day-in and day-out series of activities that just don't interest her. In her opinion, these activities don't make any difference in the ultimate life outcome of her children. Unfortunately, this woman's opinion could not be further from the truth and validated science. Parents may not be able to change a biological condition, one that is genetically determined such as autism, intellectual handicap or Down Syndrome. However, the day-in and day-out interactions parents have with children plays a significant role in shaping the child's perception of him or herself as well as providing children with the thoughts, feelings and behaviors necessary to deal with whatever adversities come their way.
We all agree that children will feel more competent, and assured if they are helped to navigate challenging situations. Yet, do we always respond to our children in challenging situations in ways that will help them develop the skills needed to be successful? This is the foundation of parenting.
How does parenting differ from raising children? It would appear that this mother is raising her children but certainly not parenting them. Further, the concept of resilience is critically important in parenting. The concept of resilience defines a process of parenting that is essential if we are to prepare children to deal with adversity as well as successes in all areas of their future lives. As parents, our guiding principle should be in our interactions with our children to strengthen their ability, to be resilient and to meet life challenges with thoughtfulness, confidence, purpose and empathy.
Each interaction with our children provides an educational opportunity to help them weave a strong and resilient personal fabric. While it is easy for this mother to discount the impact her presence may or may not have at her children's school and athletic activities, children remember. They learn by watching what we do as parents. Although the outcome of a specific problem may teach an important lesson, even more important are the lessons learned from the experiences of every day activities. This knowledge provides children with the skills necessary to deal in a resilient manner with future adversities.
As we have written in our first book, Raising Resilient Children, Dr. Brooks and I note that we would be remiss if we did not address the questions that have been raised about the importance of parents in influencing children's lives for the better as well as unfortunately at times for the worse. Many parents may not appreciate how different each child is at birth and thus may assume more responsibility for their children's success and more blame for their children's failure that is warranted. This mother writes that her hands off approach to parenting is fostering her children's sense of independence and competence in learning to deal with life's problems. Once again her conclusions could not be farther from the truth. Even given innate and environmental differences, parents play a major role in their children's development. More than fifty years of research, including the recent NICHAD study, not only in our species but in many species such as monkeys and apes, has consistently demonstrated the powerful role that parents play in nurturing and shaping the behavior and attitudes of their off spring. Ultimately these day in and day out interactions do in fact predict and determine significant aspects of every child's future. As researchers Collins and Macaby noted six years ago in their thorough review of parenting research: "The expression of heritable traits depends often strongly on experience including specific parental behaviors. It is therefore essential that parents understand the parameters of their influence so they can set realistic goals and expectations for themselves and for their children." Yes, parenting may involve a seemingly endless day-in and day-out series of boring, repetitive activities. But it is through these day-in and day-out interactions with our children, in good and difficult times, that ultimately teaches them important lessons about themselves and the world around them.
